Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

TO: The Ashley Collection, Inc.
RE: Protocol Keyring Breathalyzer

Dear sir and/or madam:

Congratulatations! On behalf of the Federal government, let me be the first to say WOOOOO! You guys nailed it!

What we’re saying is, your Protocol Keychain Breathalyzer thingy may now bear the official stap- stap- stamp of approval from the U.S. Good & Drunk Administration. Near as we can tell in our current state of mind, if you know what I mean, that thing is just, like, just awesome. I mean, look at it. ‘S just a little keychain. But you blow into it, and it drunks you how tell you are. And it works for 400 tests or a whole year without don’t need no replacement mouthpieces or nothing. ‘S amazing.

Hey, I know what you’re thinking. I know all about it. You’re prob’ly more impressed with the fact that the Protochain Keyalyzer is approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. But you know something? They ain’t so great. They think they’re better’n us. We know the president always loved them more. We know that. But after five o’clock, when the bureaucrats want to party, what agency do you think they call? ‘At’s right, the good ol’ GDA. Nobody wants to party with the guys who been running E. coli tests all day. Bummer alert! Bummer alert! No, people like a federal agency who knows how to have a good time.

And speaking of good times, you guys’s Breathocol Protochain Keyalyzer couldn’t have come at a better time. See, it’s Alcohol Awareness Month. Now we don’t know about you, but we plan on being very aware of alcohol all month long. You gotta be our wingman, OK? You gotta tell us when we need a cab. Ooh, hey, that’d be cool. You guys should make a breath tester thing that calls a cab automatically, so I don’t have to dial a phone and talk to somebody. That stuff’s a drag sometimes, you know? Anyway, think about it.

Congratulations again on your Protoizer Keybreath Breathachain. Have we ever told you how much we love you? No, seriously. I’m serious.

Sincerely .06% and counting,

Scott Chensoda
Director But Not The Movie Kind
U.S. Good & Drunk Administration

Warranty: 1 Year Protocol

Features:

• Aids in the detection of alcohol intoxication
• Measures the amount of alcohol on your breath
• Oxidized semiconductor measures blood alcohol content (BAC) in seconds
• Blow onto the sensor for at least 3 seconds and it will report if your BAC is low (less than .05%), borderline (.05% to .08%), or legally intoxicated (greater than .08%)
• Accurate for at least 400 tests or 1 year from the first use
• LED flashlight finds keyholes in dark parking lots, streets and garages
• Convenient timer, counting up or down, great to measure time on parking meters and garages
• Compact breathalyzer is lightweight and sports a keychain for easy transport
• Operates on 2 AAA batteries (not included)
• FDA approved

Specifications:

• Test method: Uses a semi-conductor gas sensor to detect alcohol on breath and converts it to a BAC level
• Preheat time: 5 to 15 seconds (Unless it was just used)
• Battery life: About 200 tests with two AAA batteries
• Calibration: Breath alcohol simulator with 0.05 and 0.08 BAC solution, done in factory at the time of manufacture
• Device life: One year, approximately 400 tests
• Operating temperature: 10 to 40 degrees C
• Storage temperature: 0 to 50 degrees C

In the box:

• Ashley Collection 2419-7 Protocol Keyring Breathalyzer